Learning & Leaving

I got in my car, with the entire contents of my office emptied into the backseat, at the end of my last day of work. I expected emotions, and all of them were mixed, as they have been for months, about every facet of my life. Then this song came on the radio, and what could I do but laugh?

Ever since I turned 26, it's as if my life has been in a blender. (Literally me.)

But it's shown me some things, I'll give it that. (Again, me.)

Learning: Maybe I don't want to be a hermit in the woods just yet (all bets are off for the future). Maybe I need to pursue a profession that better serves me creatively, financially, and mentally. Maybe I need a person who has the same energy levels as me and likes books. Maybe I need to write my novel instead of just talking about it.

Leaving: A place that was once my home. A person who was once my home. The notion that I have to have everything all figured out.

It makes sense that I haven't blogged since November.

I'm not even mad at it. It's been such a crazy time, that even when I wanted to blog, I was sort of at a loss for what to say. I still have an unfinished draft post of all of my favorite records of 2019! I still might publish it - there were some bangers on there. It just goes to show the kind of craziness life's been throwing at me lately.

But now, it feels like I'm entering a new season.

It was windy and we were being dorks.

The other day, my sister and I grabbed coffee and went to the park. I couldn't remember the last time I had done something like that, just hanging out and talking with her in nature. It gave us a moment to sort through everything we've been thinking and feeling and experiencing lately. And we both feel like we're on the cusp of very big change in our lives right now.

Naturally, my constant thought at the moment is, "Everything's ending."

But when everything's ending, that means new things are about to begin. It's a new chapter, a new page, the next act of the play that is my life (somebody stop me, I am getting unforgivably cheesy, SEND HELP, OR PIZZA). And while it's hard to leave behind things that were very, very good, it is the right thing to do at this point in my life. It doesn't make it any easier, and I don't like sitting with these difficult emotions, but tough times can make you resilient.

I guess this is just the latest installment in the ongoing series entitled: Erin Grows Up and Discovers Who She Is.

Even though I think I've known who I am for a while. But I just keep learning new things about myself, and what I want, and what I don't, and it's kind of baffling. There's this quote that I want to include at the beginning of my novel, that I just adore, and it's by e.e. cummings: "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." WELL DANG, e.e. RIP MY HEART OUT, e.e. Because that's how I feel, in this weird phase of learning and leaving. It's knowing that who I am and what I want for my life isn't going to be for everyone.

But that's okay.

Because, to quote the great Avril Lavigne: "I can't not be what I am."

Drink water and take care of yourself,

E