the span of my years is held in Your hands

Today I went to the funeral of a sweet older lady in my church. It was good to be there with the familiar body of believers and celebrate a life well lived. Too often I am focused on myself and my temporal circumstances, not the eternity that lies ahead. One day I will be with the Lord, but for now I persevere.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." ~ 2nd Timothy 4:7

the view from thursday {featuring adeline & isaac}

Thursday thrust itself upon me in the usual way: my phone alarm goes off, playing the usual Radical Face song; I climb out of bed and amble towards the bathroom with my arms full of clothing; I eat oatmeal and pray and go to class. Thursday things. But it was a good Thursday, even if unremarkable. I'm learning that each day and each moment can have odd little joys and wonders. Such as

seeing your name out of the blue and realizing it makes me feel that shade
learning about people's stories and struggles and lives
a surprise piece of pizza
plaid pants
compliments in the mouth of a sweet friend
the pains that have made today a human day, not something false
but still, your name
and the flowers
and friends
and the color black
and probably a lot of other little things.

#iwantedtobeprofound #butidon'tknowhowtoendthispost #andikindofmissyou

doubts

One *MASSIVE* struggle that no one prepared me for is the sheer amount of spiritual warfare there is at a Bible Institute. Seriously. I step into class and so begins another day of trying to ward off lies as I learn more about God's Word.

For the past two weeks, I've been battling some pretty debilitating doubts. Christ is the center of my life and well-being, the Rock to which I run, and the basis for my entire mental sanity. So naturally the devil has been trying to distort the fact of His deity in my mind. This week has featured such qualm-inducing queries as: "Is God even real?" "Am I really saved?" "Did Jesus actually live and breathe and then die and rise again three days later?" I chew on these ideas for a while and wonder how I'm supposed to do ministry and write blog posts and pour into younger girls' lives when I'm not sure of Christ myself.

This was my prayer this morning:

"Send forth Your light and Your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to Your holy mountain, to the place where You dwell." ~ Psalm 43:3

I learned today in my theology textbook about the reason, rather, the person behind all of this spiritual opposition: Satan. The devil clouds our minds so we'll focus on the present, not the eternities of ourselves and everyone around us. Instead, he wants us to stay our hearts on our own inadequacies, problems, pains....or even all of the good things that ultimately pale in comparison to knowing Christ.

So, it's been a rough couple of weeks, not just for me but for a lot of people here at my college. Opposition is real. Spiritual warfare is a thing, yo. But even in my doubting, Christ is reminding me that He is never a voice of confusion, but instead one of constant clarity and comfort.

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of a sound mind." ~ 2nd Timothy 1:7

I can believe what the Word of God says. I can pray despite feeling far away from Him. I can look back at my life and clearly see His hand guiding me. And hey, if I have doubts and struggles and confusions, then it can only mean one thing: God is making me useful, so Satan wants to take me out.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." ~ Romans 5:3-5

"the privilege has been that i have been able to do just amazing things in life"

I had the privilege to interview my hilariously sassy and very knowledgeable New Testament professor (and Dorm Dad!) today for my college's yearbook. Among the topics discussed were time traveling to ancient Rome, his passion for engineering, what exactly he has collected in his bookshelves, the joys of making up new rules to classic board games, and putting the raisins in Raisin Bran. It was the real deal, folks.

"God has blessed me that way: little by little, not all at once." ~ Professor Ingersoll

i don't know much but i do know this

"For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." ~ Colossians 1:13-14

a day // a face // a feather // a friend

crowded cranium 
wishing you would whisper through the woods at me 
taking my wrist and wrapping your veins around mine
soul entwined only to the idea
losing all mental stability on a day that is rainy
and grainy
but sweet;
throwing your smiles at the wall until they stick,
people with gaunt cheekbones and high-pitched voices 
don't know what i know
but what do i know
well 
sometimes we talk about it 
but only with our eyes,
feeding a feeling that was born in summertime,
your allusion
my confusion
still, 
i hold onto 
a half-winged flight
and the darkest pair of bright eyes
routinely ruminating
choosing reflection 
flirting with rejection
ever circumventing my affection...
you, friend, 
are sapphire skinned
and all too true. 

radiance in forms pure and true

Breezy days make for snuggly knit hats and warm conversation.

truth

Needed to hear this today. Full of doubts and this was a help:

"When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before You. Yet I am always with You; You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." ~ Psalms 73:21-26

20

My mournful and sassy sister has now walked the planet for a whopping two decades. Sometimes you just kind of walk through life moment by moment and then realize that those moments have accumulated into days, days into months, and months into years. I don't know how it's possible that Kaylie is 20. Age and time are weird things. I was thinking yesterday how crazy it is that once a person is born, they'll never go out of existence. We may die, but we all spend an eternity somewhere. I'm excited to spend out the rest of my earthly years here with Kaylie and my family before hightailing it up to heaven. I have a feeling it's going to be an even more glorious kingdom ;)

things

one: Love this sweet shot of my glorious yearbook friend. #weruletheschool
two:  Surprise doughnuts from my parents in the lobby? Score!
three: God is teaching me that His heartbeat is all about people, 100% of the time. It's a selfless, unified love.

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you." ~ Romans 12:3

scary business

Sometimes life is too good and I panic and stress myself out about the tiny little things that don't go right. Then I have to remind myself that everything that does happen is part of the plan. I'm trying to see every moment as one of grace, of joy, of humor. Awkward bowls of vegan soup included. #can'twaitforcamp #justwantedtoblog #almostwednesday #irrelevanthashtaggeths

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:28