2014

A look back at the past year, from January to the present moment.

As far as years go, 2014 was pretty epic. It started at the 2014 Passion conference and will end back at home, celebrating the New Year with old church buddies. 2014 was the year of the woods, and of photography, of God stretching me in ways I never knew were possible. 2014 was the Appalachian Trail, and prayer; meeting new friends, writing letters, sharing the Gospel, and Word of Life. God has done things beyond belief for and through me this year, and even though life has been kinda tough at times, I know that my circumstances do not dictate my joy.

"For when You did AWESOME things that we did not expect, You came down, and the mountains trembled before You." ~ Isaiah 64:3

2014: You will be missed.
2015: Welcome, friend.

"good boys they seemed, and let them love the city."

Days have been good. Even if I've had my anxious or irritable moments, each day has held a little glimmer of its own: a visit with old friends, outlining my novel with God's help, reading my dad's favorite book, freedom from Romans 8, Bob Dylan songs. It's been good! Break is kind of crazy, though. I want to be home and yet I don't; I wouldn't mind going back to college and at the same time, I'm dreading it. Folks, I am an enigma. I think that's just part of being a girl, though.

i want You

It's amazing what God can use. Yesterday, it was a Bob Dylan song.

I hadn't been dwelling in the Word for the past couple of days, and let me tell you, I could see a difference in my mind and attitude. I was fixated on old things, things of the past. Anxieties and thought patterns that used to consume and rule my life. But I prayed, weakly, and He answered me.

"In your distress you called and I rescued you, I answered you out of a thundercloud; I tested you at the waters of Meribah." ~ Psalm 81:7

I came back into my room after praying and put on a Bob Dylan record and just felt this overwhelming rush of freedom. The worries that I had had only moments ago were settled and stilled, and Jesus used my delight over a simple sixties song to make me joyful again. It is no coincidence that in my prayer I had voiced my love for that silly song, and my desire to rejoice in the Lord. He uses all things for our good and His glory.

Why worry?

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- His good, pleasing and perfect will." ~ Romans 12:2

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come!" ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

-- Glorious photograph of Bobby D found online. 

i wasn't born to lose you

mind on repeat
scratchy record
bob dylan
giving up on giving up on you.

distant planets

It was Christmas Eve
And your message to me read,
"I really need to talk to you today."
We sat in your car that night,
Cried and said it all,
Then parted knowing nothing.

i can't stop seeing all of these beautiful people

Looking back through old photos, I can't help but be so grateful to God for my life. He could have made me a million different ways, at a million different times, but it has been my privilege to live out this one life that He has given me. And I am so amazed at how much grace He has lavished upon me, just to be relaxing right now at home on Christmas break, reuniting with my old church friends, some I've known since childhood. And they are my very best friends. (Trust me, when you've been pals with someone since they were seven, and watched them grow from a young chap to an incredibly awkward adolescent and then gradually become a Normal Human Being,  you can only get closer.) And God is showing me just how much peace the Christian life should and can have, in Him. I have been lost in His goodness, soaking up moments that are soon to be memories, remembering past days and enjoying new ones. He is good, that's all I can say.

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us." ~ Ephesians 1:7-8a

give me a break

December 11th. 

FINALLY

A collective sigh of relief sweeps over the entire campus of the Word of Life Bible Institute as we are hereby released from the cramped quarters of our dorm rooms and welcomed back into our homes, a land flowing with milk and honey, a bountiful blessing, a place of rest.

Rest? What's that? Is that allowed? Does it hurt?

I may or may not have compiled a list of about 130,000 things that I want to do when I get home, including, but not limited to: write and record music // pen my novel // take photographs // make Christmas cards // watch the Lizzie McGuire movie // eat cheese.

Seriously, though, I've never been this excited for break. I never thought Bible college would be this hard. And I'm more than a *tiny* bit done with learning about my sin. Today, I choose to live in the freedom and joy that grace provides. Love has come, Love has won, and Love will sanctify me through and through. So I'm not worrying about it. 

"Home is where one starts from." ~ T. S. Eliot

>> I, too, have no idea what this picture of me with a pine cone has to do with the announcement of Break, glorious, glorious Break, but it's one of the only ones I had, don't judge. #pineconeface #natureisfun #takemebacktothetrail 

music not to listen to when you're nostalgic

Coldplay.

Never listen to Coldplay.

I don't know what crept into my mind tonight as I stood digging through my dorm room dresser while cleaning with my two roomates. I don't know what possessed me to listen to the entire Viva La Vida vinyl as I sifted through the semester in paper form, looking at old tests and notes from friends and letters. It was wrong. IT WAS SICK. As much as I am super stoked to go home for a decadent three week break from Bible college, I will admit there is a tinge of sadness in that statement.

I've spent almost an entire semester here now. It's kind of become home.
I love it, I hate it, I'm learning so much from it.

But seriously, Coldplay?!

brand spanking sparkling new

I probably don't have time to be writing this post right now, but it's what I'm going to do because God is teaching me amazing things.

A lot of my struggles are in the brain, where I can worry myself silly or fall prey to my own obsessive thoughts or anxieties. On Friday, I was a serious head case and let myself be consumed by thoughts. Sometimes I can try to rationalize and think my faith away. I don't know if anyone else has this struggle, but sometimes my worst enemy is myself. Actually, that is true more often than it is not. There was nothing particularly yucky about Friday but my thoughts and attitude managed to make me feel a little crazed.

The night ended with my sister and I writing a worship song in our dorm room bathtub. So I guess you can say that God used it for His good and glory (Romans 8:28). And I marvel at what He can do, because these past couple of days, He has been doing a changing work in my heart.

Everything contrary to the Word is a lie. The Bible, God's very Word spoken to us, is truth. Nothing else I see or think or feel or believe matters. And He has been reminding me not only of grace, as I posted about yesterday, but also that:

-- My walk with Him is deeply relational and intimate, not binding or legalistic
-- I can't judge people because my impressions and ideas are *always* wrong
-- I have to fix my eyes on Him and the Word, otherwise I will be drenched and dripping in the fickle flesh of self and society

And what simple, fundamental truths these are! Obvious things, small things, but indeed, everything! It all sounds so obvious, but when I'm not in the Word I'm just not seeing at all.

Apart from Him I can do nothing good.

"Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." ~ Colossians 3:9-10

even when we were dead

When all I can see are the mountains of my own mistakes, all of my failures and the span of my shortcomings, and when my heart is weighted down by the pain I cause and the strife of my spirit; when all I am is false motives and a muddy mind, and when my shoulders are slumping and about to crack under the weight of carrying all my sin, I fall to ground at the feet of Grace.

God is funny sometimes.
And He sure knows how to get to the heart of a matter.

Even though I have been a Christian for over a decade, I find that I am still relearning lessons again and again (and again) and constantly having to return to the fundamental truths of the Gospel. These past few days I have been so overwhelmed with my sin and the sheer amount of it -- how I can't stop sinning, no matter how hard I try.

Then it hit me -- I don't try. I don't try. Jesus does the saving, I do the getting saved. If I could somehow succeed in battling my sin, if I could, in some way, be victorious against it in my own strength, then Jesus wouldn't have had to die to save me. If I could overcome sin alone, I wouldn't have needed saving. But clearly, I do!

Grace has come, grace has won.
And all God's people said Amen!

"But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved." ~ Ephesians 2:4-5

practice

When all I can see are the mountains of my own mistakes, all of my failures and the span of my shortcomings, and when my heart is weighted down by the pain I cause and the strife of my spirit; when all I am is false motives and a muddy mind, and when my shoulders are slumping and about to crack under the weight of carrying all my sin, I fall to ground at the feet of Grace.

God is funny sometimes.
And He sure knows how to get to the heart of a matter.

Even though I have been a Christian for over a decade, I find that I am still relearning lessons again and again (and again) and constantly having to return to the fundamental truths of the Gospel. These past few days I have been so overwhelmed with my sin and the sheer amount of it -- how I can't stop sinning, no matter how hard I try.

Then it hit me -- I don't try. I don't try. Jesus does the saving, I do the getting saved. If I could somehow succeed in battling my sin, if I could somehow be victorious against it in my own strength, then Jesus wouldn't have had to die to save me. If I could overcome sin alone, I wouldn't have needed saving. But clearly, I do!

Grace has come, grace has won.
And all God's people said Amen!

"But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved." ~ Ephesians 2:4-5

the cure for anxiety

 "Even to your old age and gray hairs
  I am He, I am He who will sustain you.
  I have made you and I will carry you,
  I will sustain you and I will rescue you."

                     -- Isaiah 46:4

something like a shadow

Just like that, it's December. 
And the ghost of other months flit and fly away,
carrying me into the last leg of a yearlong race,
into the arms of the final days of fourteen. 

Where has time gone
Where has life gone

The children that used to glow with something like innocence are older.
I am older,
and I can't stop seeing everything,
seeing everyone --
changing even in the fraction of a second.

Hair growing
Spine lengthening

Aging isn't something I'll ever grow used to,
but this body is destined for the ground,
with our souls sent either upward or into the fiery flames.

Our choice.

Only one life here, 
surely not to be wasted, 
certainly my days under the sun will amount to eternity. 

If I am something like a shadow,
Cast the light of Your face upon me.

on care

Today I am grateful for homework, crazy as that sounds, even if I didn't want to do it only a couple of hours ago.

It can be tough taking classes at Word of Life, because over time the Bible starts to become something of a textbook. When you study the Word of God in a college setting, it is refreshing and worth it, but also tricky. I never want to get in the habit of looking at my Bible as just another book, an assigned text. When I have to read so much of it for assignments, though, it's hard to see it with new eyes.

For homework tonight, I finally did the assignment I'd been dreading, a 1000 word essay on something from the Old Testament. I chose Psalm 65, which is pretty gnifty, and includes this glorious verse that caught my attention some weeks ago:

"When we were overwhelmed by sins, You forgave our transgressions." ~ Psalm 65:3

During the paper, I had to really dig into the Psalm, both explaining it and applying it to my life. Psalm 65 is all about God's blessing and abundant provision on a people that comes to Him with their heavy burdens. Not hard to relate to! So often I feel weary with worry, trying to handle and hold onto the things that stress me. I am constantly having to learn this lesson. But it was actually really comforting and worthwhile to spend some hours in the Word doing this research paper, because it reminded me

one. Why I am at Word of Life in the first place
two. How blessed I am to get to study the Word for a year

and

three. What a relief it is that I don't need to carry anything.

God carries it all for me. And He does this because He cares so much.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." ~ 1st Peter 5:7

What are you holding onto that is becoming a burden?
If you're in Christ, you can walk with light shoulders and a satisfied spirit.

skulls of sadness

Such somber eyes
Sometimes you can see in people the weight of the world, 
A sadness they've been carrying in the cerebrum,
Trying to intellectualize God away.

Pilgrims & Pumpkin Pie

Thanking the Lord for my crazy insane family today, tomorrow, all days, forever. I hope that you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving spent with the people you love, siting around a table full of food, sharing smiles and stories. Don't buy into the Black Friday madness -- spend time with those God has given you. Thanking the Lord that I get to spend sweet time off of school with my favorite souls!!

Oh, and eating pumpkin pie. That's a thing.

"Know that the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name." ~ Psalm 100:3-4

familiar walls, a tired scene

space cadets

God is a God of galaxies.

This morning I had a dream that I was traveling to outer space and my friends and I were being sent up in this rocket ship to the moon. I'm used to my weird dreams by now, but this one was just out of this world. #hadto

I mean, can we just marvel for a moment at the fact that everything around us was created and designed by a God that gave us breath in our bones? It baffles me how we can praise great artists, lauding the work of human hands, but in the same breath we can turn and denounce the greatest Artist of all time. There never was logic in atheism. 

people that are poetry & the Gospel of glory

I would not say that I am the most thankful human being in history right now.

In fact, lately I have been more of a sleep-deprived, complaining curmudgeon. I know that my attitude will improve with the glorious combination that is prayer and sleep, but another remedy for grumpiness (as I was reminded of in church today) is thankfulness. In the past I have found that I am the most joyful and cheered of heart when I am giving thanks. So, without further ado, here is a list of random things that I am thankful for today, right now, in this moment:

>>My mother and father and the fact that I will be home on break in exactly 48 hours; my bed; the guitar my Dad gave me that is now named for him; the amount of snuggly sweaters and scarves I have amassed over my lifetime; the name Shiloh; toes; the fact that I have vision, I can see; photography; a little thing called chocolate; my sister; writing letters; the Beatles; a blog project I'm working on right now; the Gospel of glory; cheesy Christmas movies I watch with my family every year; blue font, blue eyes, blue everything; people that are poetry; paintings hanging on walls; my favorite pair of jeans; the fact that beagles and lions and skylines exist; the beach on a cool night; Bible college; pizza pie.

"Give thanks to the Lord, call on His name; make known among the nations what He has done. Sing to Him, sing praise to Him; tell of all His wonderful acts. Glory in His holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. Remember the wonders He has done, His miracles, and the judgments He pronounced." ~ Psalm 105:1-5

Tell me at least 3 things you are thankful for below!

**Stellar shot of the moon found online; not my own photography. (Obviously)

Film Friday #10

One day, they will arrive, and I will not know what to do with my heart. The very fact that they will be half of me, and half of him, this mystery soul that will come walking into my life in 4/4 time, will be a miracle in itself. And we were all little people once, and I think in some ways we all long to be little people again, after we grow up and taste the wickedness of this world and the cruelty of this life. But God has given us the gift of family, for which I am eternal grateful. And one day, they will arrive, and I will not know what to do with my heart.

>> This dapper little dude is my Dad! Yes, my father. This photo is famous in our family, fondly referred to as "The Rose Bush". Legend has it that my Uncle George was incredibly jealous of his little brother Mikey, all clad in his new spiffy shoes and suit coat. Supposedly, he pouted during this photo shoot, sulking somewhere amongst the rose bush. My dad claims no responsibility for any of this. Not sure I can blame him, sweet little guy!

night does away with colors

forty four degrees
frozen fingers

heart inspired

head asleep